by Breaking: New Study Reveals Rainbows Actually Cause Straight People to Question Their Wardrobe Choices
A Bohiney.com Satirical Investigation
By Roxy Blazerfield, Senior Fashion Scientist & Rainbow Epidemiologist
A Spectrum Too Far
In what experts are calling “the most colorful scandal since Teletubbies”, a groundbreaking new study from the Institute for Chromatic Responsibility (ICR) has confirmed what many already suspected: exposure to rainbows can cause straight people to reconsider their entire sense of style.
The peer-reviewed study, titled “Spectral Disorientation Among Heterosexual Subjects: A Field Study in Overcast Conditions,” found that 87% of straight individuals, when confronted with a rainbow, reported an immediate and irrational urge to “add just one pop of color.”
Lead researcher Dr. Clarissa Glitterhaus explained:
“Rainbows are a natural gay gateway. They’re like colorized peer pressure. One moment you’re fine in cargo shorts and Crocs; the next you’re Googling ‘statement scarves for emotionally stable men.’”
The Experiment
To conduct the study, scientists exposed a sample group of 200 self-identified straight men and women to a live rainbow following a mild thunderstorm.
Participants were monitored for 72 hours. Researchers noted alarming behavioral shifts:
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61% purchased linen pants “for the vibe.”
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43% began saying “slay” with unearned confidence.
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12% started watching Queer Eye “for home décor tips,” but never made it past Jonathan Van Ness.
One subject, 42-year-old mechanical engineer Brad Kleinfelter, confessed:
“I don’t know what came over me. I saw that rainbow, and suddenly I’m rearranging my garage by color gradient.”
His wife, Debra, corroborated:
“He painted the lawn mower coral. Coral! Said it was ‘a statement.’ I think he meant ‘a cry for help.’”
The Science of Fabulousness
Rainbows, long considered symbols of hope, diversity, and Lisa Frank’s corporate empire, have now been classified by the CDC as “mildly contagious expressions of taste.”
According to Dr. Glitterhaus, rainbows emit low-frequency waves that interfere with the “Beige Receptor” in the heterosexual brain.
“The human eye perceives seven colors,” she explained, “but straight men typically register only two: ‘gray’ and ‘other gray.’ Rainbows overload the circuitry, leading to temporary fabulousness.”
Symptoms include:
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Sudden interest in fabric texture.
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Unexplained compulsion to moisturize.
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Brief awareness of what the term aesthetic means.
While most recover within 48 hours, some cases progress to Full Chromatic Consciousness, in which the subject permanently adopts patterned socks and a vague sense of cultural empathy.
Government Response
The Department of Homeland Beige issued a Level 3 Wardrobe Advisory following the report.
Spokesperson Karen Holt stated,
“We advise all heterosexual citizens to carry neutral-tone accessories and avoid direct eye contact with prisms, puddles, or children’s art projects until further notice.”
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis immediately proposed legislation requiring warning labels on all rainbows visible from state highways.
“We respect weather,” he said. “But we draw the line at unsolicited fabulousness.”
The bill, titled “The Protection of Innocent Eyes Act,” would require meteorologists to issue trigger warnings for “excessive chromatic phenomena.”
Public Reaction
Social media erupted faster than a glitter cannon at a Lady Gaga concert.
Twitter user @DadInDenial posted,
“My son saw a rainbow and asked for lavender sneakers. We are praying.”
Meanwhile, Gen Z TikTokers launched the #RainbowChallenge, daring participants to stare at a rainbow for 10 seconds and then describe beige without crying.
Instagram influencer Brittany Rae capitalized immediately, launching her “Straight But Make It Pastel” fashion line—featuring camouflage in soothing shades of baby blue and pistachio.
“It’s not about being gay,” she clarified. “It’s about manifesting versatility.”
Sales skyrocketed, especially among suburban dads who “just wanted something that matched the grill cover.”
Eye-Witness Accounts: A Nation in Color Shock
In Oklahoma, eyewitnesses reported mass confusion after a double rainbow appeared over a Bass Pro Shops parking lot.
“One guy dropped his fishing pole and started humming ‘Dancing Queen.’ Another asked if teal was ‘a mood or a lifestyle,’” said local witness Judy Harkins.
At a Home Depot in Iowa, employees were forced to suspend paint sales after customers demanded hues not found in the “Straight Male Spectrum.”
“We had three guys arguing over whether mauve was an energy or a sin,” said store manager Caleb. “One even asked if eggshell was ‘performative.’”
Religious and Philosophical Reactions
Faith leaders are divided.
Reverend Buck Donnelly of the First Baptist Church of Plano declared:
“Rainbows are God’s promise! Not an invitation to wear turquoise!”
But progressive theologian Sister Nancy Spectrum countered,
“If the Lord didn’t want us to appreciate color, He wouldn’t have made flamingos, sunsets, or Elton John.”
Even Pope Francis chimed in diplomatically:
“The rainbow is for everyone—just maybe tone it down on the glitter, sì?”
Philosopher Dr. Bixby Noon of Rice University took it deeper:
“Perhaps rainbows remind us that identity is not black or white—or even beige—but a spectrum. And that terrifies people who shop exclusively at Costco.”
Celebrity Confessions
After the study went viral, several celebrities admitted to being “rainbow-curious.”
Actor Chris Pratt tweeted:
“Rainbows make me feel things… mostly the need for a brighter jacket.”
Country star Luke Bryan confessed:
“I put on a pink shirt once after a thunderstorm. I ain’t ashamed. I looked like a Pepto-Bismol cowboy.”
Meanwhile, Martha Stewart issued a public service video on “How to Tastefully Neutralize a Rainbow Accent Wall Using Wicker.”
“Step one,” she said, “embrace it. Step two, sedate it with taupe.”
The Rainbow Economy
Economists are calling this the “Color Correction Recession.”
Within days of the study’s release, sales of neutral-toned clothing plunged 34%, while purchases of iridescent jackets surged.
J.Crew’s stock fell after consumers realized beige doesn’t sparkle. Meanwhile, Crayola’s “Hetero Hue” crayon box—containing only white, tan, khaki, and regret—was quietly discontinued.
Home design trends shifted overnight. HGTV reported a spike in “rainbow-core” remodels—suburban homes transformed into psychedelic palettes of color therapy and questionable taste.
“We had one man repaint his man cave fuchsia,” said designer Jillian Harris. “He said it was to ‘confuse burglars.’”
Straight People Seek Counseling
Counselors nationwide report an influx of “rainbow-induced existential crises.”
Therapist Dr. Megan Slayton explained:
“I’ve had dozens of patients say, ‘I looked at a rainbow and felt… something.’ Usually it’s just serotonin, but that’s terrifying for most straight men.”
Support groups have emerged across the country:
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STRAIGHT (Spectrally Traumatized Adults in Temporary Hysteria Experiencing Gay Thoughts)
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RAIN (Recovering After Iridescent Notification)
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PRISM (People Reconsidering Identity, Style, and Masculinity)
Meetings include color swatch therapy, neutral affirmations (“It’s okay to be oatmeal”), and guided visualization exercises like “Imagine You’re Wearing Black Socks—And That’s Enough.”
The Psychological Toll
Psychologist Dr. Aiden Marquez compared rainbow exposure to “emotional exfoliation.”
“Straight individuals often repress color the way Victorians repressed pleasure. The rainbow merely scratches the surface, releasing buried desires to match throw pillows.”
One anonymous patient confessed:
“I started organizing my tools by hue. My buddies said it was weird, but then they asked where I bought the rainbow wrench rack.”
Clinical data suggests even brief exposure to rainbows can elevate dopamine levels by 17%, making straight people feel feelings they didn’t consent to.
“It’s like being kissed by culture,” said Dr. Marquez. “They panic because they can’t return it.”
Political Fallout
In Washington, reactions split predictably down party lines.
Republican lawmakers accused the study of pushing a “gay weather agenda.” Senator Ted Cruz tweeted,
“Rainbows don’t make you gay, liberals do.”
Democrats, meanwhile, introduced a bill to declare rainbows a “Protected Symbol of Emotional Growth and Matching Accessories.”
Senator Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez defended it, saying:
“If a rainbow makes a man buy a better shirt, democracy wins.”
The bill passed committee after lobbyists for Crayola and Pantone donated enough to repaint the Capitol dome in gradient.
Education Impact: Schools Introduce ‘Rainbow Literacy’
Following the study, schools in California and New York began implementing Chromatic Sensitivity Training to help straight students safely interact with rainbows.
The curriculum includes:
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Identifying the seven colors without crying.
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Practicing “compliment resilience” (“Your shirt is lovely” → “Thank you” instead of “Shut up, bro”).
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Understanding that “ombre” is not a communist plot.
“We want straight kids to feel comfortable expressing mild enthusiasm about chartreuse,” said Superintendent Lexi Glow. “It’s about inclusion, not indoctrination.”
In conservative states, however, parents protested what they called “Rainbow Grooming.” One mother in Alabama told reporters,
“My son came home knowing what fuchsia is. That’s not something we taught in this house!”
Scientific Backlash
Not all experts agree with the findings.
Dr. Henry Lint, a researcher at the Coalition for Color Neutrality, dismissed the study as “flamboyant fearmongering.”
“Correlation doesn’t equal causation,” Lint argued. “Sure, someone might wear pink after seeing a rainbow, but that doesn’t prove it wasn’t laundry day.”
However, whistleblowers leaked photos of Lint’s office—decorated with ombre curtains and a suspiciously tasteful ficus—which didn’t help his case.
Eye-Witness Field Notes: Straight Men vs. The Rainbow
Field anthropologists conducted additional observations in public spaces.
In a park in Kansas City, a group of straight joggers encountered a post-storm rainbow. Within minutes, one stopped mid-run, muttering, “Does this shirt make me look emotionally available?”
In another case, a Texas barbecue pitmaster spontaneously switched from hickory to applewood after sighting a particularly vivid arc.
“I don’t know,” he said. “It just felt… fruitier.”
The Conspiracy Theories
Naturally, online conspiracy theorists leapt into action.
On Reddit, threads appeared under titles like:
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“Rainbows: Weather or Woke Weapon?”
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“Proof NASA Controls Color Saturation to Erase Masculinity”
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“Double Rainbows = Double Grooming”
Tucker Carlson devoted a segment to the study titled “Is God Turning Our Men Into Accessories?”
“It starts with color coordination,” he warned, “and ends with scented candles.”
Meanwhile, Alex Jones tried to sell “Rainbow-Proof Sunglasses,” retailing at $89.99. They were later recalled when customers realized they were just tinted ski goggles with stickers that said “No Homo.”
The Arts Community Responds
Artists nationwide rejoiced.
Brooklyn painter Jules Prism said,
“It’s time straight people felt unsafe in beige spaces.”
At the Met Gala, the theme “Rainbows & Repression” featured attendees in dazzling gradients of existential panic. Elon Musk wore a full gray suit but painted his Tesla rainbow for irony.
“I’m not gay,” Musk told reporters, “I’m just multicoloredly misunderstood.”
Historical Context
Historians remind us that this isn’t the first time rainbows have triggered moral panic.
In the 1950s, the U.S. briefly banned pastel cars for “undermining traditional masculinity.” During the Cold War, McCarthy investigators even questioned Dorothy Gale’s loyalty for following “The Rainbow Path.”
“Every time humanity gets scared,” said historian Dr. June Lavender, “there’s usually a rainbow nearby—calmly minding its own business.”
Economic Forecast
Wall Street analysts predict continued volatility in the neutral-tone sector. Beige futures plummeted, while iridescent index funds reached record highs.
The National Association of Realtors issued a warning that HOA bylaws banning “excessive color” may soon be unconstitutional.
Even Patagonia has begun experimenting with rainbow-trimmed fleece, though early adopters report mixed feelings.
“It’s soft,” said one dad, “but emotionally complicated.”
International Reaction
In Britain, the Royal Meteorological Society confirmed that exposure to rainbows caused several members of Parliament to “feel vaguely expressive.”
In Japan, Nintendo released a “Safe Mode” for Mario Kart that filters rainbows to grayscale. Sales dropped instantly.
Meanwhile, in Russia, President Putin declared all rainbows illegal, blaming NATO for “chromatic aggression.” His personal tailor confirmed Putin’s suits remain “strictly oppressive in tone.”
Pop Culture Fallout
Netflix announced a new documentary series: “When It Rained Fabulous: The Rainbow That Changed America.”
The eight-part series follows straight Americans grappling with post-prismatic confusion. Episode titles include:
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“From Khaki to Coral”
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“Beige and Confused”
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“My Husband, the Pastel Enthusiast.”
Critics called it “brave,” “necessary,” and “a little too glossy.”
The Rainbow Resistance
Despite growing acceptance, a fringe group known as “Straight Pride Patriots” staged rallies under cloudy skies, chanting “Make Skies Gray Again!”
Their signs read:
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“Keep Color Out of Our Clouds!”
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“Weather Is Not Woke!”
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“Chromatic Propaganda Ends Here!”
Unfortunately, their first march in Nebraska was canceled when an actual rainbow appeared mid-protest, causing several attendees to compliment each other’s banners.
The Cultural Shift
Sociologists predict rainbows will continue “disrupting heteronormativity one storm at a time.”
“Every generation thinks they’ve seen everything,” Dr. Vogue said. “Then the sky pulls out a seven-color coming-out party.”
Even corporate America is adapting. State Farm announced “Rainbow Insurance,” covering property damage caused by spontaneous glitter storms. Chick-fil-A quietly introduced “Rainbow Sauce,” claiming it was “biblically tangy.”
A Personal Story: From Fear to Fuchsia
Brad Kleinfelter, the engineer from the original study, has since embraced his new outlook.
“At first I was scared,” he admitted. “But now my life’s brighter. Literally. My shirts have opinions.”
He and Debra renovated their home in full spectrum. The neighbors complained, but Brad just smiled.
“I used to fear color,” he said. “Now I organize my sockets by mood.”
His wife added, “I’m proud of him. He’s finally seeing the light—reflected, refracted, and fabulous.”
Closing Reflections
Whether you see rainbows as divine art or atmospheric activism, one thing’s certain: they’re making straight people rethink their wardrobes, their identities, and possibly their curtain choices.
“Maybe,” mused Dr. Glitterhaus, “the rainbow isn’t trying to convert anyone—it’s just inviting them to dress like they’ve met themselves.”
Disclaimer
This entirely human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer is presented solely for educational, comedic, and chromatic enlightenment. No straight men, women, or weather phenomena were harmed, though several khakis were permanently stained with introspection.
