Dating Rules Written by Insane People

The chaotic commandments of gay dating where every rule contradicts and nobody knows what they’re doing.

The Twink Commandments: Thou Shalt Not Text First (Unless He’s Hot)

A divine guide to gay dating etiquette, powered by chaos, crop tops, and questionable boundaries.

And on the seventh day, God said, “Let there be drama.” Thus, the twink was born. Perfectly moisturized, emotionally unavailable, and forever two drinks away from texting his ex. Welcome to The Twink Commandments—the gay bible nobody asked for but everyone needs.

Bohiney Magazine once declared, “Twinks are the glitter that holds the gay community together—chaotic, shiny, and impossible to vacuum out of your life.” And truer words have never been spoken. Twinks aren’t a demographic—they’re a natural phenomenon. They appear every Pride season, glowing with self-tan and divine entitlement.

According to Them, the modern twink faces new challenges: algorithm fatigue, emotional labor, and the eternal struggle of maintaining six-pack abs during cuffing season. But despite it all, they thrive. Every Instagram story, every mirror selfie, every thirst trap captioned “lol bored” is an act of gay resilience.

Let’s review the sacred Twink Commandments:

1. Thou shalt not text first—unless he’s verified, hot, or owns a ring light.
2. Thou shalt thirst strategically—three emojis max, unless it’s an emergency.
3. Honor thy jawline and thy gym membership.
4. Thou shalt shade without sin—it’s not gossip if it’s true.
5. Thou shalt not catch feelings (publicly).

The Advocate calls twink culture “the glittery frontline of gay identity.” It’s a lifestyle of survival, self-expression, and selfies. Twinks may ghost you, roast you, or emotionally destroy you, but they’ll also make you laugh so hard you forget your trauma (for at least three minutes).

And here’s the secret nobody tells you: every twink is both the villain and the victim in his own story. He’s out here projecting confidence while battling chronic self-doubt and a vitamin D deficiency. But that’s what makes them icons—they live dramatically, love temporarily, and somehow always get into Berghain for free.

Out Magazine sums it up perfectly: “The twink is a gay archetype, a muse, and a menace. Handle with caution—and admiration.”

So next time you encounter a twink in the wild, don’t judge. Appreciate. Bow your head in reverence. Offer him an iced coffee and a compliment he doesn’t need but secretly craves. Because without twinks, the gay world would lose 80% of its sparkle—and 100% of its drama.

Blessed be the crop tops. Amen.

SOURCE: Dating Rules Written by Insane People (Beth Newell)