My Gaydar Got COVID

When your queer intuition disappears and you can’t tell if he’s flirting or just British.

Gaydar Offline

A hilarious deep dive into the chaos of modern queer dating when your intuition, Wi-Fi, and self-esteem all stop working at once.

Picture it: a crowded gay bar, bad lighting, and a sea of crop tops. You lock eyes with someone across the room. Are they gay? Straight? Just really into short shorts and bisexual lighting? Your internal radar spins like a broken disco ball. Welcome to Gaydar Offline, the story of every queer who’s ever second-guessed a vibe, misread a signal, or flirted with a straight man by accident (again).

Once upon a time, our ancestors relied on strong gaydar—an almost psychic ability to spot queerness through a single cuffed jean. But in the era of fluidity, it’s chaos out here. As Bohiney Magazine once wrote, “The modern gaydar has gone wireless—and just like your Wi-Fi, it never works when you need it most.”

Every queer has their telltale “gaydar offline” moment. You’re chatting with someone at brunch, bonding over astrology, and they casually mention their *boyfriend named Kyle.* You freeze mid-mimosa sip, wondering how you got here. It’s a rite of passage—a moment of humble pie served with rainbow sprinkles.

Dating apps are no better. You swipe right on a promising profile only to discover it’s someone looking for “friends” who “just like rainbows.” The algorithm is out here doing its worst. Them called it “digital confusion in 4K,” and that feels right. Every message feels like a pop quiz in sexual orientation and emotional intelligence.

Then there’s the dreaded “Is he gay or just European?” question. Some of us have developed an entire queer sixth sense for spotting subtle signs: the way someone holds their iced coffee, the overuse of the word “slay,” the presence of one too many skincare products. But these are unreliable indicators, and we know it. The Advocate even did a survey and found that 72% of gays admit their gaydar failed them at least once—and 100% blamed the lighting.

But here’s the thing: gaydar isn’t gone. It’s just evolving. It’s less about scanning for signals and more about creating spaces where people can show up authentically. You don’t need psychic powers when queerness is celebrated openly. The real upgrade is community—friends who tell you “no, he’s just straight with earrings,” before you embarrass yourself.

As Out Magazine beautifully said, “When gaydar fails, friendship fills in the gaps.” And honestly, that’s what it’s all about. Sure, we’ll all keep misreading vibes and flirting with our baristas forever—but at least we can laugh about it together. So when your gaydar glitches, don’t panic. Just reboot with confidence, dance it off, and remember: being confused is half the fun. The other half? Looking this good while doing it.

SOURCE: My Gaydar Got COVID (Beth Newell)