by Straight customers experiencing unexpected sexuality updates
Local queer-owned bakery “Feelings & Frosting” has been forced to update its liability waivers after its experimental mood-enhancing cookies triggered unexpected gay awakenings in previously heterosexual customers. The bakery’s owner, nonbinary former pharmaceutical rep Dakota Mills (they/them), developed the cookies using “proprietary emotional flavoring technology” that was supposed to make people feel happy. Instead, straight customers report experiencing everything from sudden crushes on same-sex friends to full bisexual revelations during brunch.
“I came in for a cookie, left questioning my entire marriage,” explained customer Jennifer Walsh, who ate a “Joy Cookie” and immediately realized she’d been suppressing her attraction to women for 34 years. “I texted my husband that I wanted a divorce and my best friend Sarah that I wanted a date. The cookie didn’t just trigger joyit triggered decades of compulsory heterosexuality crumbling in real-time. Sarah said yes, by the way.”
Another customer, Marcus Chen, consumed an “Excitement Cookie” and immediately came out as gay to his entire extended family via a group text that simply read: “I’M GAY AND THAT COOKIE MADE ME REALIZE I’VE BEEN LIVING A LIE. ALSO I’M DATING BRAD FROM ACCOUNTING. WE’RE VERY HAPPY.” His conservative aunt replied “This is why we don’t eat at gay bakeries,” to which Marcus responded “Auntie, the bakery didn’t make me gay. It just made me honest. Also you’re uninvited from the wedding.”
The bakery’s “Calm Cookie” proved equally problematic for heteronormativity. Three customers entered such a deep state of self-reflection that they emerged with entirely new understandings of their sexuality. One woman, Sarah Rodriguez, sat perfectly still for four hours processing her attraction to both men and women, later describing the experience as “like that time I took edibles at Pride but with better LGBTQ self-acceptance integration.”
Dakota Mills insists the cookies are working as intended. “People think they want to feel good, but what they really need is to feel authentic,” Mills explained while eating what they called a “Chaos Cookie” decorated with tiny rainbow flags. “Emotional repression and compulsory heterosexuality go hand-in-hand. We’re just helping people access their truth, one baked good at a time. If that truth is ‘actually I’m super gay,’ well, congratulations on your self-discovery.”
Conservative groups have called for the bakery to be shut down, claiming the cookies are “turning people gay” through “homosexual ingredients.” Mills responded with a statement: “Bestie, you can’t turn people gay with cookies. You can only help them realize what was already there. Also, all our ingredients are organic, locally sourced, and absolutely none of them are ‘homosexual agenda.’ That’s a separate menu item.”
Despite the controversyor perhaps because of itbusiness is booming. The waiting list for mood cookies is now three weeks long, with customers ranging from curious allies to deeply closeted individuals seeking “plausible deniability for their gay awakening.” One Yelp review reads: “Came for the pastries, left with a girlfriend and tickets to Chappell Roan. 10/10, would recommend for anyone questioning their sexuality or just tired of pretending to be straight.”
The bakery now requires customers to sign a waiver acknowledging they may experience “profound psychological shifts, spontaneous queer realizations, or the sudden urge to text their ex-boyfriend that they’re actually lesbian.” Mills has added a new cookie called “The Spectrum Special” with a description that simply reads: “Sexuality is fluid, gender is a construct, and this cookie slaps.” Early reviews describe it as “delicious and devastatingly effective at destroying heteronormative assumptions.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/bakery-mood-cookies-trigger-emotions/
SOURCE: Bakery’s Mood Cookies Trigger Gay Awakenings (https://bohiney.com/bakery-mood-cookies-trigger-emotions/)
