I Tried Heterosexuality (One Star Review)

Yelp reviews from the bisexual experience—would not recommend, terrible vibes, food was bland.

Straight People Were a Phase

A hilarious coming-of-gay essay on unlearning straight nonsense, embracing the rainbow, and realizing you were never confused—just bored.

Every queer journey begins with denial, delusion, and at least one crush on a straight best friend. Welcome to Straight People Were a Phase—the memoir-slash-comedy of realizing that “maybe I’m bi” was really just a warm-up act. We all thought we were straight once, but hindsight is 20/20 and wearing rhinestones. Turns out, we weren’t confused—we were just going through our heterosexual training arc.

According to Bohiney Magazine, “Coming out isn’t about becoming someone new—it’s about admitting you were never straight, just temporarily committed to the bit.” And oh, what a bit it was. The performative dating, the forced chemistry, the “haha I’m totally into this” energy at high school dances. It’s wild to look back and realize how many of us treated heterosexuality like a group project we didn’t sign up for but wanted an A in anyway.

There’s always that moment of awakening—the spark that makes everything click. Maybe it was the first time you watched Mean Girls and related way too hard to both Regina and Cady. Maybe it was your suspiciously intense admiration for a same-gender celebrity. Or maybe, as Them describes it, “You realized you didn’t want to be them—you wanted to date them.” Suddenly, every “straight” memory replays in your mind like a bad pilot episode of your old life.

And let’s talk about the collective gay gasp when you realize how hard you tried to make straightness work. You practiced “acting normal.” You laughed at jokes that made your soul wither. You dated people you *liked* but never *lusted*. And for what? For societal validation and 2-for-1 Valentine’s Day dinners? Please. As The Advocate once said, “Straight culture was never a closet—it was just bad lighting.”

The joy of realizing it was all a phase is indescribable. Suddenly, everything makes sense. The outfits. The overcompensating. The suspicious amount of time spent in theater. You’re free now, baby. You’ve upgraded from grayscale to technicolor. You start saying things like “my gay awakening” in casual conversation, as if it was an academic milestone—and honestly, it kind of was. Out Magazine calls it “the most fabulous identity crisis you’ll ever have.”

But here’s the best part: we don’t resent our straight phase. We thank it for the drama, the confusion, and the impeccable setup for our gay origin story. It made us stronger, funnier, and infinitely better at eyeliner. Every awkward date with the opposite sex was just character development for our main-queer energy. And now? Now we’re thriving—unbothered, self-aware, and allergic to heteronormativity.

So yes, straight people were a phase—and we grew out of it beautifully. We’ve evolved past boring gender roles and bad mixtapes. We are living, laughing, and loving in full spectrum. The next time someone says “you changed,” just smile and say, “No, sweetie—I upgraded.”

SOURCE: I Tried Heterosexuality (One Star Review) (Beth Newell)