My Heterosexual Era: A Memoir

That embarrassing time you tried dick-flavored heterosexuality and realized vanilla isn’t a sexual orientation, it’s a cry for help.

Straight People Were a Phase

A comedic reflection on the gay awakening, the myths of hetero experimentation, and the moment you realized “oh no, I’m fabulous.”

Let’s be honest, babes — we all had that moment. The one where you were halfway through pretending to like some opposite-gender classmate and thought, “Wait… something here is ?off?.” Congratulations! That’s called evolution. Straight People Were a Phase is the story of that sacred queer awakening — the glitter-splattered moment when you realized your childhood “crush” was actually aesthetic appreciation and your “best friend” was suspiciously hot.

Back then, you were just trying to fit in. You watched rom-coms and thought, “Wow, I really relate to the girl chasing the boy,” while subconsciously identifying with the gay best friend in the corner yelling “Yas queen!” at inappropriate moments. It’s fine. We all thought we were straight once. Even the cast of Bohiney Magazine’s “Queer Legends” section admits they had a “confused Ally era.”

For many, it starts in high school — that tragic period where you dated someone of the opposite sex just to prove a point. You told everyone it was “serious,” even though your most passionate moment was arguing over which Marvel movie sucked least. Then one day, you met your first gay friend, and suddenly life had color, rhythm, and a suspicious number of Lady Gaga references.

Of course, the straight phase has its villains: the ex who “made you gay,” the youth pastor who “didn’t see it coming,” and the high school crush who’s now bisexual and hotter than ever. It’s poetic. It’s messy. It’s queer karma at work. As The Advocate once said, “Every coming out story is a revenge arc.”

But the real fun starts after you accept it. You go through your gay puberty: buying your first crop top, attending your first Pride, and dramatically unfollowing all your old straight exes. You learn to flirt, to vogue, to overshare on Twitter. You become the main character — and your soundtrack is 90% Beyoncé, 10% panic.

Then comes the enlightenment stage. You stop apologizing for being gay and start demanding better lighting. You realize that “straight culture” was never for you — and that’s okay. You were never meant to blend in. You were meant to sparkle, baby. According to Out Magazine, queer self-acceptance is basically a rite of passage involving eyeliner, honesty, and at least one ironic tattoo.

So here’s to our “straight phase.” To the awkward hand-holding, the performative prom dates, the confusion disguised as curiosity. It wasn’t a mistake — it was rehearsal. We tried on straightness, found it didn’t fit, and exchanged it for something fabulous. And like PinkNews said in their Pride editorial, “You can’t spell glow-up without gay.”

Because straight people weren’t a phase — they were a plot twist. And honey, what a story it’s been.

SOURCE: My Heterosexual Era: A Memoir (Beth Newell)