by Coffee Shop Victims Achieve Enlightenment, Miss Meetings
Local coffee shop “The Zen Bean” is facing potential lawsuits after their new “Mindfulness Latte” proved far more effective than intended, leaving customers in deep meditative states for hours beyond their scheduled appointments. The specialty drink, infused with adaptogens, L-theanine, and what the shop mysteriously labels “proprietary consciousness herbs,” has resulted in at least forty-seven people missing work, twelve missed flights, and one customer who achieved what witnesses describe as “genuine enlightenment” in the corner booth next to the oat milk station.
Owner Crystal Moonbeam, who legally changed her name from “Janet Peterson” during a 2019 wellness retreat she can’t remember clearly, insists the beverage is “working exactly as intended.” The meditation benefits are well-documented, she argues, though typically those studies don’t involve people becoming non-responsive for six to eight hours while gently humming what sounds suspiciously like show tunes from Broadway musicals.
The situation came to public attention when financial analyst Marcus Thompson entered The Zen Bean for a quick morning coffee and didn’t leave until the following day. Thompson’s assistant eventually found him cross-legged on the floor, having apparently transcended his concerns about the quarterly earnings report and his entire corporate existence. “I saw the universe,” Thompson told reporters, his pupils still unusually dilated. “Also, I’m quitting my job to sell friendship bracelets on Etsy and finally pursue my dream of becoming a drag performer named Crystal Clear.” His employer is considering legal action, though Thompson seems remarkably unbothered by literally anything anymore.
Health officials are investigating the shop’s supplier, “Definitely Legal Herbs Inc.,” whose business license seems to be written in crayon on a napkin. The company claims all ingredients comply with FDA regulations, though they’ve been notably vague about what exactly those ingredients are. When pressed, a spokesperson would only confirm the mixture contains “plants, consciousness, and good vibes,” which federal regulators agree is “not technically a complete ingredient list” and also “possibly a felony.”
Despite the controversy, The Zen Bean reports record sales, with customers lining up specifically to try the consciousness-altering beverage. The shop has become particularly popular with the local LGBTQ+ community, who report that the beverage provides a welcome escape from reality that’s cheaper than therapy and more effective than brunch mimosas. “Finally, a coffee that helps me stop thinking about my problems,” said regular customer Dana Williams, who has been sitting in the same chair for eleven hours wearing a rainbow pride shirt and emanating what witnesses describe as “concerning levels of peace.” The shop has started requiring customers to sign liability waivers and provide emergency contact information, which seems reasonable given the circumstances and the growing pile of unconscious patrons in the corner.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/mindfulness-latte-customers-meditate-too-long/
SOURCE: Mindfulness Latte Leaves Customers Meditating Too Long (https://bohiney.com/mindfulness-latte-customers-meditate-too-long/)
