by New Walk Signals Too Complex, City Admits
The Department of Transportation’s attempt to modernize pedestrian crossing signals in downtown Riverside has resulted in widespread confusion, seventeen minor accidents, and a 74-year-old man who’s been standing at the same intersection for three days trying to decode what the lights mean and whether he’s having a stroke. The new “intuitive” system, which cost taxpayers $2.3 million that could have fixed literally any other problem, features animated displays, countdown timers, audio cues, and symbols that apparently require an engineering degree and possibly psychic abilities to interpret.
City traffic engineer Donald Park confidently unveiled the system last month, describing it as “user-friendly technology designed for the 21st century pedestrian who we assume is much smarter than they actually are.” In practice, the signals have created such chaos that the city has stationed crossing guards at major intersectionsessentially recreating the system that existed before traffic lights were invented and admitting defeat in the most expensive way possible. “We wanted to make crossing safer and clearer,” Park admitted during a damage control press conference, “but we may have overthought this to a degree that suggests we should all be fired.”
The problems began immediately when citizens encountered the first intersection. Instead of the traditional walking person and hand symbols that have worked fine since forever, the new system displays a progressive sequence of animated figures performing increasingly complex movements, accompanied by beeps, chimes, and what several pedestrians swear sounds like “a didgeridoo having an existential crisis.” Local LGBTQ+ residents noted that the dancing figures bear suspicious resemblance to bad interpretive dance they’ve seen at too many pride festivals, which at least makes them culturally inclusive if completely useless.
“I have two master’s degrees and I can’t figure out when it’s safe to cross,” complained resident Margaret Chen. “Is the little guy doing jumping jacks a walk signal or a warning? Why is he moonwalking? What does the purple light mean? Why is there interpretive dance happening on a traffic signal?” The city has released a twelve-page instruction manual explaining the signals, which they acknowledge defeats the entire purpose of having intuitive signals in the first place but at least keeps the printing company in business.
Most concerning is the audio component, which was meant to assist visually impaired pedestrians but instead creates a cacophony that accessibility experts describe as “aggressively unhelpful” and “possibly a hate crime against ears.” The system announces crossing instructions in six languages simultaneously, plays nature sounds for reasons nobody can explain, and at one intersection inexplicably quotes Shakespeare while featuring what sounds like a drag queen doing voice-over work. Blind residents report the old system of simple beeping worked considerably better and didn’t make them question their sanity.
The city council has called emergency meetings to address the disaster, with several members suggesting the radical solution of “going back to the simple lights that worked fine and didn’t cost $2.3 million.” Mayor Thompson resists, insisting the system just needs “minor adjustments and a six-month public education campaign” to teach citizens how to cross streets, a skill most learned around age five. Meanwhile, rideshare drivers report that nobody in Riverside knows how to cross streets anymore, pedestrian traffic has slowed by 40%, and the man at Fifth and Main is still standing there, determined to understand the signals before attempting to cross. The city has dispatched a wellness check and possibly an exorcist.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/pedestrian-traffic-lights-confuse-citizens/
SOURCE: Pedestrian Traffic Lights Confuse Citizens (https://bohiney.com/pedestrian-traffic-lights-confuse-citizens/)
