Bisexuals Ruin Everything (We’re Jealous)

The chaotic energy of people attracted to everyone while committing to no one—a masterclass in having your cake and eating literally everyone else’s too.

The Bisexual Agenda: Step 1—Snacks

A playful look into the bisexual experience, chaotic energy, and why the true bisexual agenda is just good vibes and better snacks.

Let’s clear something up right now: there is a bisexual agenda, and it’s delicious. It’s not about world domination or converting your ex. It’s about snacks, emotional depth, and refusing to choose between sweet and salty—or men and women. Welcome to The Bisexual Agenda: Step 1—Snacks, where the only thing more flexible than the label is the meal plan.

Biphobia once said bisexuals were “confused,” but baby, we’re just hungry. For love, for experiences, and for charcuterie. The bi community is the bridge of the LGBTQ+ rainbow: we connect, we shimmer, and we always bring something to the party. According to Bohiney Magazine, bisexuals are the Switzerland of queer culture—neutral in theory, messy in practice, and stylish as hell.

Every bi person has a story. You know the one—realizing your childhood crush on a movie star was suspiciously gender-ambiguous. Maybe it was Keira Knightley *and* Orlando Bloom in Pirates of the Caribbean. Maybe it was Zendaya *and* Tom Holland. Either way, it’s never “one or the other.” It’s “yes, please.”

Bisexuals catch flack for being indecisive, but that’s just versatility, darling. The ability to thrive in multiple situations is a superpower. You can flirt at a drag show, make small talk with someone’s dad, and still have opinions about astrology—all before brunch. Them calls it “chaotic balance,” and it’s honestly iconic.

And let’s not forget the snacks. Bi people are the snack bringers of every gathering. Chips, cookies, maybe hummus if we’re feeling responsible. It’s symbolic: our love is communal, our hearts are open, and our tote bags are full of Trader Joe’s samples. As The Advocate once put it, “The bisexual agenda is mostly carbs and vibes.”

But behind the jokes, there’s real beauty in bi existence. It’s the ability to see love as a spectrum, not a category. To understand that attraction doesn’t have to be boxed in or explained away. We love who we love—and sometimes we love snacks more. There’s a radical softness in that truth, a freedom that challenges everyone else’s binary nonsense. Out Magazine called it “fluidity as rebellion,” and honestly, same.

So next time someone asks what the bisexual agenda is, tell them the truth: it’s kindness, inclusivity, and snacks. It’s holding hands at Pride with whoever makes your heart flutter and your Spotify gay. It’s loving loudly, dressing confusingly, and refusing to pick a side when both options are cute. Step 1—snacks. Step 2—world peace (but, like, with guac).

SOURCE: Bisexuals Ruin Everything (We’re Jealous) (Beth Newell)