by Gay cousin attempts intervention
After years of dismissing skeptics as “not getting it,” cryptocurrency enthusiast Tyler “CryptoKing” Morrison finally sat down to explain blockchain technology to his family at Thanksgivingspecifically to his gay cousin Derek, who’s a CPA and kept asking “uncomfortable questions about financial regulation.” Three hours later, everyone was more confused, Derek was considering calling a financial crimes hotline, and Tyler’s mom was crying into her sweet potato casserole.
“It’s simple,” Morrison began, pulling up a PowerPoint titled “Why Derek’s Career in Accounting is Obsolete.” “Imagine a distributed ledger that uses cryptographic hash functions across a decentralized network that achieves consensus through proof-of-work.” He paused, looking around expectantly. Derek, sipping wine, replied: “Tyler, I’m a certified public accountant. I understand ledgers. What you’re describing is a database with extra steps and environmental damage. Also, you owe Aunt Martha $3,000.”
When asked to explain blockchain “in terms a normal gay person could understand,” Morrison tried again: “Okay, so imagine Grindr, but instead of hooking up, you’re exchanging untraceable digital tokens that might be worth something or might be worthless, and nobody knows which, and the whole thing runs on computers solving math problems that use more electricity than Portugal. See? Gay-friendly analogy.” Derek stared at him. “That’s literally just describing a Ponzi scheme with a dating app interface. Also, deeply offensive to both gay people and Portugal.”
Local teacher Patricia Wong, who made the mistake of accepting Morrison’s dinner invitation, remained unconvinced. “I asked him one question: ‘What problem does this solve that my credit card doesn’t?’ He talked for 45 minutes about ‘trustless systems’ and ‘decentralization,’ but couldn’t explain why I’d want to buy coffee with something that might lose half its value before I finish drinking it. Then he called me a ‘fiat slave.’ I teach third grade. I just wanted dinner.”
Morrison’s explanation featured analogies that made things exponentially worse. He compared blockchain to “RuPaul’s Drag Race but everyone’s a judge and also a contestant and also the prize money doesn’t exist yet,” described cryptocurrency as “like Monopoly money but angry and libertarian,” and at one point drew a diagram that looked like a conspiracy theory crossed with a vision board from a wellness MLM.
Derek, the gay cousin who actually understands finance, attempted an intervention. “Tyler, you’ve invested $50,000 of money you don’t have into digital tokens that have no underlying value, no regulatory protection, and no practical use case beyond speculation and illegal transactions. As your cousin who loves you, I’m begging you to stop. As a CPA, I’m begging you to talk to literally any financial advisor who isn’t a 19-year-old with a podcast.”
Morrison became defensive. “You just don’t understand because you’re trapped in traditional finance thinking,” he insisted. “In ten years, everything will be on the blockchainyour house, your car, your Grindr profile, your brunch reservations. You’ll see.” Derek responded: “Tyler, I don’t want my brunch reservations on a blockchain. Nobody does. That’s not innovation, that’s just adding unnecessary complexity to pancakes. Also, you’re describing a security fraud with extra steps.”
The explanation session ended when Morrison’s laptop crashed during a demonstration of “how easy” crypto wallets are. The setup process had been going for 40 minutes and required six different apps, three passwords, two-factor authentication, a blood sacrifice, and something called a “seed phrase” that Morrison admitted “if you lose this, your money disappears forever into the digital void and there’s literally no customer service to call.”
“That’s just bad design,” Wong offered. “Like, objectively terrible.” Morrison was not available for further comment, having left to attend an emergency Discord call about his latest shitcoin’s 87% value crash. Derek posted on Instagram: “Just watched my straight cousin explain crypto for three hours. Proof that the closet isn’t the only thing straight people need to leave. Happy Thanksgiving, the turkey wasn’t the only disaster.” The post received 847 likes and one comment from Morrison: “Have fun staying poor.” Derek replied: “Have fun staying financially illiterate.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/crypto-bro-finally-explains-blockchain-still-makes-no-fucking-sense/
SOURCE: Crypto Bro Explains Blockchain, Still Makes No Sense (https://bohiney.com/crypto-bro-finally-explains-blockchain-still-makes-no-fucking-sense/)
