by Runners Required to Sleep In Instead
In a stunning victory for people who enjoy sleeping past dawn, the Greenville City Council passed emergency legislation banning jogging before 9:00 AM, citing “aggressive healthiness” and “intimidation of normal citizens trying to pretend they’ll start exercising someday.” The ordinance, which takes effect immediately, makes Greenville the first municipality in the nation to criminalize morning fitness, a move applauded by the National Association of People Who Hit Snooze Multiple Times and anyone with basic common sense.
The ban came after months of complaints from residents who reported feeling “personally attacked” by the sight of physically fit individuals running past their windows at ungodly hours. “I’m trying to enjoy my third cup of coffee and contemplate my life choices,” explained petitioner Robert Chen, 42, “and then some maniac jogs by at 6:00 AM looking energized and fulfilled. It’s hostile. It’s violence, actually.” Local LGBTQ+ residents particularly appreciated the legislation, with several noting that the only acceptable reason to be up before 9 AM is still being out from the night before.
Violators face escalating penalties including fines up to $1,000, mandatory attendance at “Learn to Sleep In” seminars, and community service helping others remain sedentary. The city has deployed “Morning Wellness Enforcement Officers” who patrol neighborhoods before 9:00 AM, equipped with radar guns modified to detect joggers instead of speeders and an deep understanding that morning people are society’s true villains. Early enforcement has resulted in twenty-three citations, including one issued to an 87-year-old woman who insisted she was “just walking briskly to physical therapy” but whom officers described as “suspiciously energetic for her age.”
Local running clubs have condemned the ordinance as discriminatory and possibly unconstitutional. “This is absolutely insane,” said Marathon Club president Jennifer Walsh. “Exercise is a fundamental human right. You can’t ban people from being healthy.” The city’s response has been to suggest afternoon jogging as a reasonable alternative, conveniently ignoring that afternoon temperatures reach 95 degrees in summer and that runners would literally die, which the city attorney noted is “technically also a solution to the problem.”
Legal challenges are pending, with civil rights organizations joining the fight and arguing the ban disproportionately affects people whose work schedules only allow morning exercise. The city remains confident in its position, with Mayor Thompson defending the ban during a press conference held at 11:00 AM, a time she described as “civilized and appropriate for public business, unlike some people’s 5 AM wake-up calls.” Meanwhile, underground morning jogging clubs have reportedly formed, with runners meeting in secret locations at dawn like some kind of fitness speakeasy. The city has vowed to crack down on these illicit exercise operations, though enforcement officers admit they’re too tired to catch anyone before their first coffee, which is honestly the most relatable thing about this entire situation.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/city-bans-morning-jogging-runners-snooze/
SOURCE: City Bans Morning Jogging (https://bohiney.com/city-bans-morning-jogging-runners-snooze/)
