by Citizens Required to Pretend They’re Enjoying Themselves
The Riverside City Council unanimously passed an ordinance this Tuesday requiring all residents to participate in a mandatory “Fun Hour” every weekday from 5:00 to 6:00 PM. The controversial legislation, officially titled the “Civic Joy and Mandatory Merriment Act,” aims to combat the city’s ranking as the third most miserable municipality in the state, according to a recent census report that apparently hurt the mayor’s feelings more than anyone thought possible.
Under the new law, citizens must engage in city-approved recreational activities including forced laughter, compulsory high-fiving of strangers, and mandatory participation in flash mobs organized by the Parks and Recreation Department. Failure to demonstrate adequate enthusiasm can result in fines up to $500 or community service involving even more enforced enjoyment. “We’re taking happiness seriously,” announced Mayor Patricia Thornton with the dead-eyed stare of someone who hasn’t experienced genuine joy since 2003, somehow missing the irony entirely.
The ordinance includes a citizen monitoring system where “Joy Ambassadors”essentially fun policepatrol neighborhoods ensuring compliance. These ambassadors, identifiable by their unsettling permanent smiles and clipboards, have authority to issue citations for “insufficient merriment” and “resting sad face.” Early enforcement has proven problematic, with seventeen ambassadors reportedly burning out within the first week due to the psychological toll of enforcing joyfulness while dying inside.
Legal experts question the ordinance’s constitutionality. “You can’t legislate emotion,” explained civil rights attorney Marcus Chen, who represents several LGBTQ+ community members challenging the law. “This is a clear violation of the First Amendment’s implicit right to be moderately miserable about one’s circumstances, which let’s be honest, is basically the American experience at this point.” Several queer residents note that they already perfected fake smiling during family dinners, so at least they have practice.
Residents have responded with the exact level of enthusiasm one might expect when fun becomes homework. “I already have a job, kids, and a mortgage,” complained Sarah Mitchell, 34, while forcing herself to skip down Main Street during Fun Hour. “Now I have to pretend I’m enjoying pretending to enjoy myself. This is dystopian.” Her partner Jamie added that they’ve found success by treating Fun Hour like a performance art piece, which has made it marginally less soul-crushing but only marginally.
The city council remains undeterred by the universal hatred of their policy, announcing plans to expand the program to a mandatory Fun Weekend pending results of the pilot program, which everyone agrees is going terribly. One council member suggested they’re “this close” to achieving their happiness goals, though they refused to define what those goals are or provide any evidence beyond their own delusions.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/city-mandates-fun-hour-citizens-pretend/
SOURCE: City Mandates Fun Hour (https://bohiney.com/city-mandates-fun-hour-citizens-pretend/)
