by Pepperoni considered adequate Pride compensation
Tech startup InnovateCorp celebrated record-breaking quarterly profits last Friday with a pizza party, successfully deflecting queer employee requests for actual salary increases and workplace protections. The party, which featured three large pizzas for 47 employees and a two-liter of flat Diet Coke, cost approximately $67roughly the same amount the company spent on rainbow-washing their logo for Pride Month while donating zero dollars to LGBTQ+ organizations.
“We wanted to show our team how much we value them, especially our diverse LGBTQ+ employees who make this company special,” explained CEO Jennifer Wang while cutting slices into increasingly smaller pieces. “Nothing says ‘we support your authentic selves’ quite like lukewarm pizza from a place that still asks if you want ‘regular or lady-sized’ slices. Very inclusive.”
The pizza party came after queer employees submitted formal requests for cost-of-living adjustments, citing inflation and the fact that several LGBTQ+ workers have taken second jobs because discrimination in housing markets makes rent unaffordable. HR Director Marcus Thompson praised the pizza solution as “creative problem-solving that honors our commitment to workplace inclusion.”
“Salary increases create ongoing financial obligations,” Thompson noted. “But pizza? Pizza is a one-time expense that we can deduct while also claiming we celebrated Pride. It’s just smart diversity management. We even got a pizza with rainbow bell peppers. That’s representation.”
Queer employee reactions ranged from exhausted to furious. “I have a master’s degree, three years of experience, and I can’t afford to live alone because landlords keep rejecting my applications when they realize I’m trans,” said junior developer Sarah Chen. “But sure, give me a slice of pepperoni pizza and call it equity. I’ll just pay my student loans with queer representation and good vibes.”
The company defended its decision by citing a survey showing that “inclusive workplace culture” matters more to LGBTQ+ employees than money. When pressed on which employees were surveyed, HR admitted it was “mostly straight managers who think having a Pride flag in the office counts as activism.” Thompson added: “We’re offering a second pizza party next quarter if performance targets are exceeded. That’s called inclusive incentive-based compensation.”
During the pizza party, CEO Wang gave a speech about “celebrating our authentic selves” and “creating a family where everyone belongs,” carefully avoiding eye contact with the lesbian couple who’d requested domestic partner benefits three times. She concluded by announcing that the executive team would be taking a “strategic wellness retreat” to Provincetown during Pride weekend, which is “totally different from a vacation because we’ll probably talk about LGBTQ+ marketing strategies at least once between cocktails.”
Queer employees have since created a Slack channel called “#PizzaIsNotInclusion” where they share job listings at companies that actually pay living wages and don’t treat Pride Month like a marketing campaign. One popular post reads: “Remember, a company that changes its logo to rainbow for 30 days but won’t give you healthcare that covers your spouse/partner is just doing performative allyship with extra cheese.”
The pizza party also featured one vegetarian option that was somehow both burnt and undercooked, which nonbinary employee River Martinez described as “a perfect metaphor for this company’s approach to gender inclusiontechnically there but fundamentally inadequate and kind of offensive.”
InnovateCorp’s approach reflects a growing trend of companies replacing tangible support for LGBTQ+ employees with what consultants call “rainbow-flavored appreciation gestures”or what queer workers call “exploitation with better branding.” When asked if the company would consider meaningful changes like anti-discrimination policies, inclusive healthcare, or fair wages, Wang replied: “We already have a pizza party scheduled for Q3. Let’s not get greedy.” Employees have calculated that it would take approximately 1,847 pizza parties to equal their requested salary increases, or roughly 154 years of monthly “inclusive celebrations” to achieve actual economic equality.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/company-pizza-party-successfully-avoids-giving-employees-actual-raises/
SOURCE: Company Pizza Party Avoids Actual Raises (https://bohiney.com/company-pizza-party-successfully-avoids-giving-employees-actual-raises/)
