by Citizens Can Now Read and Walk Simultaneously
The Riverside Public Library has revolutionized the concept of “getting lost in a book” by installing combination treadmill-reading stations, allowing patrons to literally go nowhere while metaphorically traveling through literature. The $85,000 initiative, funded by a federal “Innovative Literacy Grant” that definitely had better intended uses like maybe buying actual books, features twelve treadmills equipped with book holders, tablet mounts, and immediate access to emergency services for the inevitable injuries that everyone except the administrators saw coming.
Head librarian Dorothy Martinez calls the program “a natural evolution of the reading experience,” apparently forgetting that the reading experience has worked perfectly fine for thousands of years without requiring simultaneous cardiovascular exercise. “Americans struggle to find time for both fitness and reading,” Martinez explained at the launch event, where she attempted to walk and read simultaneously before immediately tripping and face-planting into a copy of “War and Peace,” which felt metaphorically appropriate. “This solves both problems,” she added from the floor, nursing what would later be diagnosed as a sprained ankle and bruised dignity.
The installation has transformed the library’s quiet reading room into what witnesses describe as “a CrossFit gym designed by people who’ve never been to a CrossFit gym and also hate both reading and exercise.” Patrons shuffle along at 2 mph while attempting to focus on novels, most eventually abandoning the reading portion to simply stare ahead in exhausted confusion. The library’s LGBTQ+ book club attempted to use the treadmills for their monthly meeting and lasted approximately seven minutes before everyone agreed this was the worst idea since that time they tried to discuss “Giovanni’s Room” in a bouncy castle.
Early adopters report mixed results. “I finished three chapters and burned 200 calories,” said library member Janet Wilson, 52. “I retained nothing from the book, fell off the treadmill twice, and now I associate reading with physical pain, so that’s probably not great for lifelong literacy.” The program has particularly struggled with its audiobook component, where users wearing headphones on treadmills have created what staff describe as “a synchronized walking zombie scenario that’s honestly kind of disturbing and might be a sign of the apocalypse.”
Safety incidents have plagued the program since day one. The library has treated seventeen minor injuries, including twisted ankles, bumped heads, and one case of “extreme multitasking-induced vertigo” that required hospitalization. Health and safety advocates have questioned why this program was approved when literally everyone predicted exactly these outcomes. Despite these setbacks, Martinez remains committed to the concept, announcing plans to expand to “bicycling while browsing” and “rowing while researching,” which sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen and also possibly a war crime against libraries.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/library-book-treadmills-launched/
SOURCE: Library Launches Book Treadmills (https://bohiney.com/library-book-treadmills-launched/)
