by Local Man Finally Comes Out as Straight: Community Rallies with Emergency Glitter Intervention
A Bohiney.com Satirical Exclusive
By Roxy Blazerfield, Staff Satirist at Bohiney Magazine—Certified 127% Funnier Than The Onion
The Outing Nobody Expected
It happened quietly at first. No confetti cannons, no Lady Gaga soundtrack, no rainbow-frosted cupcakes at brunch. Just a simple announcement at a Sunday potluck:
“Guys,” said 34-year-old graphic designer Chadley Benson of Austin, Texas, “I think I might be straight.”
A hush fell over the vegan lasagna. Someone dropped a kale chip. Alexa—uninvited but listening—played “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”
Within hours, the neighborhood LGBTQ+ Alliance held an emergency “Glitter Intervention,” complete with supportive banners, crisis counselors, and at least three interpretive dancers performing “Born This Way” in minor key.
Chadley, still in shock, was ushered to the backyard, where local drag queen Shanda Leer led a support circle titled “Heterosexuality: It’s Not a Phase, It’s a Cry for Beige.”
A Brave Admission in Trying Times
According to his close friend and self-described “Queer Spirit Animal” Tanner, Chadley’s confession was “honestly braver than coming out in the ’90s.”
“He said it with such courage,” Tanner told reporters, holding back tears. “I haven’t seen that kind of vulnerability since Elton John wore a Dodgers uniform covered in Swarovski crystals.”
Social scientist Dr. Alyssa Vogue, a professor of “Cultural Fabulousness Studies” at UT Austin, contextualized Chadley’s revelation:
“Straightness is a spectrum. Some people are bi-curious; others are beige-curious. Chadley’s identity is valid, even if his shoe choices aren’t.”
The Community Reacts
Local businesses quickly rallied to show their support.
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Starbucks offered free “Vanilla Straightccinos” for all who identified as “Hetero and Confused.”
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Target released a new minimalist T-shirt line: “Just Beige It.”
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Whole Foods introduced an emergency counseling corner stocked with oat milk, affirmation candles, and discounted therapy sessions titled ‘Finding Yourself in a World of Sequins.’
One activist, identifying only as “Mx. Kiki,” organized a “Straight Awareness Parade,” though the event was swiftly canceled due to lack of dance choreography and insufficient sequin density.
“We were ready to march,” said Kiki, “but the playlist was just Creed, Nickelback, and early John Mayer. We couldn’t, in good conscience, allow that kind of energy on the streets.”
Evidence of the Straight Phenomenon
Sociologists are calling it “The Beige Awakening.” A recent survey from the Center for Identity Fluidity found:
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62% of millennials say they’ve met at least one straight person “in the wild.”
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28% admit to having a “straight phase” in college.
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13% of TikTok users claim they “only watch straight content ironically.”
Dr. Vogue noted the phenomenon aligns with the post-pandemic desire for “stable chaos.”
“Straight people represent comfort food,” she explained. “They like casseroles, dad jokes, and golf. Society finds it nostalgic—like low-sodium rebellion.”
The Intervention: Glitter, Group Therapy, and Grace
The “Emergency Glitter Intervention” took place on Chadley’s front lawn, now officially renamed the Nonbinary Lawn of Acceptance.
Neighbors brought casseroles with rainbow sprinkles, though one ally accidentally brought beige hummus and was promptly asked to “check her tone.”
Chadley’s mother, Barbara, flew in from Florida. She admitted she always “had a feeling.”
“He watched Top Gear unironically,” she said. “And he didn’t know who RuPaul was until last year. I just prayed it was a phase—but love means acceptance.”
The intervention included several stages:
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Acknowledgment of Beige: Participants named their least fabulous habits. (“I bought Crocs in khaki.” “I thought cargo shorts were back.”)
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Rainbow Exposure Therapy: Straight individuals were briefly shown Lady Gaga’s “Chromatica Ball” concert at full volume.
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Confessional Karaoke: Chadley performed “Sweet Home Alabama” while community members threw biodegradable glitter and screamed affirmations like “You’re valid!” and “Own your mediocrity!”
Celebrity Endorsements Pour In
Ellen DeGeneres issued a cautious statement:
“Straight? Never heard of her.”
Meanwhile, Harry Styles released a line of “Support Your Local Straights” pearl necklaces to promote inclusion.
Even pop icon Madonna weighed in via hologram:
“Everyone’s experimenting with something. I once went through a British phase and never apologized.”
Political leaders were quick to exploit the moment. Mayor Linda Vasquez of Austin announced:
“We’re designating the third Thursday in March as Straight Awareness Day. Parades will feature khaki shorts, mayonnaise, and early 2000s country music.”
The Texas governor responded by tweeting, “Finally, something I can support that doesn’t involve banning books.”
Scientific Breakthroughs in Heteronormativity
Researchers at the University of Michigan claim to have isolated the so-called “Straight Gene,” located suspiciously near the “Dad Joke Chromosome.”
Their findings show that straight individuals are genetically predisposed to:
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Wear socks with sandals.
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Call every restaurant “nice.”
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Refer to guacamole as “spicy green stuff.”
Dr. Candace Pruitt, a behavioral scientist, explained:
“We tested a group of confirmed straights by showing them an IKEA catalog. Ninety percent described the furniture as ‘bold.’ That’s diagnostic.”
The discovery may lead to early detection methods. A new test, “The Beige Assessment Scale,” measures one’s discomfort during a RuPaul’s Drag Race viewing party.
Public Reactions: Support, Confusion, and Spontaneous Line Dancing
The story went viral. Social media exploded with hashtags like #BeigeIsBeautiful, #StraightAndProudish, and #PrayForChadley.
Twitter user @FabulousFury wrote:
“Coming out as straight in Austin? The courage! The drama! The lack of fashion sense!”
TikTok’s “StraightTok” trend saw millions of users documenting their own confessions:
“I don’t like brunch.”
“I think Lululemon is a type of car.”
“I once watched the Super Bowl… for the football.”
One viral video featured a crowd of allies chanting “We’re here, we’re queer, and we still love Chad!” before realizing the rhyme didn’t work and switching to “We’re near, we’re sincere, we accept your career!”
Straight Pride Merchandise: The Beige Revolution
By Monday, Etsy stores had flooded with straight pride merch:
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“Make Khaki Great Again” hats.
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“Just a Guy Who Likes Gals” tote bags.
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“Heterosexual and Hydrated” mugs.
Walmart responded by unveiling a “Straight Starter Kit,” featuring a grill, a cooler of Coors Light, and a framed quote reading: “Live, Laugh, Love—Preferably in Beige.”
Some critics, however, accused the merchandise of “cultural appropriation of mediocrity.”
“Straight people commercializing their own dullness? Revolutionary,” said fashion analyst Rico Von Glitter. “It’s the most avant-garde thing straights have ever done.”
Chadley’s Journey: From Closet to Casserole
When asked how he feels now, Chadley says he’s “embracing his authenticity.”
“I don’t hate Pride,” he clarified. “I just don’t know what to do with all the sequins. My skin chafes easily.”
He’s since joined a local support group, “Heteros for Humanity,” where participants share struggles like “ordering too confidently at Olive Garden” and “misunderstanding pop culture references.”
Their meetings feature nonjudgmental sharing circles, vanilla-scented candles, and buffet-style casseroles organized by starch content.
“We’re not anti-glitter,” says Chadley. “We’re just pro-flannel.”
Expert Opinions: Is Straightness the New Queer?
Dr. Vogue argues yes:
“In a world obsessed with labels, being straight ironically makes you the minority at a brunch table. It’s subversive in a midwestern way.”
Sociologist Bryce Pennfield adds,
“Straight people now represent an aesthetic—like analog film or gluten intolerance. You mock it, but secretly, you’re curious.”
Public opinion polls show that while 75% of Americans “support straight inclusion,” 68% admit they still “wouldn’t date one.”
“They’re just so… predictable,” one respondent said. “They still say ‘Netflix and chill’ unironically.”
Economic Impact of Straight Inclusion
The Beige Awakening has created new markets:
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Straight Dating Apps: OKBeige, Plenty of Beige, and Tinder Classic—where bios include statements like “I love grilling things” and “I think brunch is too early.”
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Straight Bars: Places with sports on TV, slightly sticky floors, and menu items called “meat.”
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Straight Retreats: Weekend getaways offering workshops in eye contact, emotional repression, and how to respond when someone says “Yas Queen.”
Tourism expert Dana Brisket notes,
“We’ve seen a surge in ‘Straight Safaris,’ where city dwellers visit suburbs to observe heterosexuals in their natural habitats—Costco parking lots, Little League games, Home Depot paint aisles.”
The Philosophical Debate
Chadley’s outing has reignited the eternal question: Is anyone truly straight?
Philosopher-turned-life coach Dr. Bixby Noon argues,
“Straightness is an illusion perpetuated by the grill industry. Once you’ve cried to Adele, you’re at least a little bi.”
Others disagree. Pastor Rick Lamplight of the Church of Eternal Khaki insists,
“Heterosexuality is sacred. Adam and Eve didn’t need contouring.”
Still, Chadley’s case has forced many to rethink their assumptions about attraction, identity, and salad dressing.
Eyewitness Accounts
Neighbor Marla, 56, recalls,
“I always suspected something. He mowed the lawn in straight lines. No zigzags, no flourish. That’s a sign.”
Another witness, local DJ Nova Neon, remembers,
“He danced at Pride but only clapped on beat. No hip movement. No spirit possession. Just… rhythmically polite.”
Poll Results
According to a Bohiney.com poll:
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44% of respondents said Chadley’s courage “inspired them to wear beige again.”
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31% felt “neutral, but supportive.”
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25% said they “didn’t care, but also signed him up for a makeover anyway.”
The Future of Straight Identity
Experts predict a rise in “hetero pride brunches,” featuring bland mimosas and acoustic versions of Lady Gaga songs.
Some conservatives have attempted to co-opt the moment, declaring “Straight Lives Matter,” but were swiftly mocked by both sides for missing the joke.
Fashion designer Coco Lumberjack concludes,
“Straight is the new avant-garde. When everyone’s extra, the only rebellion left is to be aggressively normal.”
A Final Word from Chadley
Chadley says he’s finally found peace.
“I’m still me. I just prefer Home Depot to drag brunch. I don’t think that makes me brave—it just makes me honest.”
When asked if he’d ever consider experimenting again, Chadley smiled thoughtfully.
“Maybe,” he said. “If the right flannel comes along.”
Disclaimer
This entirely human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer was produced for educational, satirical, and emotional enrichment purposes. No straights, queers, or casseroles were harmed in the making of this story. Any resemblance to real Chads, living or beige, is purely coincidental.
