by Professional Communication Dies Instantly
Silicon Valley startup “FutureComm” announced this week that it’s revolutionizing workplace communication by mandating emoji-only emails for all internal correspondence, a decision that employees describe as “the worst thing to happen to professional communication since the invention of reply-all.” The policy, implemented by 28-year-old CEO Brandon Mitchell who reportedly “hates reading,” requires all company emails to be composed entirely of emojis, eliminating words completely in what the company calls “visual efficiency” and what linguists call “corporate suicide.”
Mitchell defended the policy during an all-hands meeting conducted entirely in emojis projected on a screen, which took 47 minutes to communicate what could have been a three-minute speech. “Words are outdated technology,” Mitchell explained afterward in actual words, apparently not seeing the irony. “Emojis are universal, efficient, and align with how younger generations communicate.” He conveniently ignored that younger generations use emojis alongside words, not instead of them, and that most of his employees are over 30 and actively hate this.
The policy has created immediate chaos. Simple messages like “Can you send me the Q3 report?” now require employees to decode strings like “???????” and hope they’re interpreting correctly. One employee accidentally told their boss to “????” when they meant to request time off, resulting in an HR investigation and what everyone agrees was an understandable misunderstanding given the circumstances. The company’s LGBTQ+ employee resource group tried to schedule a meeting using only emojis and ended up with twelve people showing up at different times to different locations, with one person somehow thinking it was a pool party.
Legal and compliance teams report the policy makes their jobs “functionally impossible and possibly illegal.” Contracts, HR documentation, and regulatory filings apparently cannot be conducted entirely in cartoon faces, a revelation that shocked absolutely nobody except Mitchell. “How do I write a termination notice in emojis without it looking like a threat?” asked HR director Janet Morrison. “Also, how do I explain to Mitchell that we need to terminate this policy without him thinking I’m threatening him?” The company’s lawyers have advised that emoji-only communication might violate federal employment laws requiring clear documentation, but Mitchell insists they’re “not thinking innovatively enough.”
Employee productivity has plummeted 67% as workers spend hours trying to decode messages and craft emoji responses that won’t be catastrophically misinterpreted. “I spent thirty minutes figuring out how to express ‘I disagree with this strategic direction but respect your perspective’ in emojis,” complained software engineer David Chen. “I sent ‘?????’ and my manager thought I was having a stroke.” The company has hired “Emoji Translators” to help employees communicate, which seems to defeat the entire purpose of efficient communication but at least provides job security for people with questionable skills.
Industry observers predict FutureComm will reverse this policy within weeks, either voluntarily or after the inevitable lawsuit from someone fired via a confusing string of emojis. Mitchell remains defiant, announcing plans to expand emoji-only communication to client emails and public announcements, which legal experts note will “definitely result in spectacular failure that we’ll study in business schools for decades.” The company’s stock has dropped 23% since the announcement, which investors communicated through the traditional method of selling their shares rather than emojis, proving that some communication methods work better than others.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/tech-company-launches-emoji-only-emails/
SOURCE: Tech Company Launches Emoji-Only Emails (https://bohiney.com/tech-company-launches-emoji-only-emails/)
