by From Queens to Kampala: A Revolutionary Journey
After being unceremoniously deported from the United States for the alleged crime of being “100% communist”a charge typically reserved for Cold War paranoia and McCarthy-era fever dreamsformer New York Assemblyman Zohran Mamdani arrived barefoot and resolute in Uganda’s capital this week. His first act? Declaring his intent to run for mayor of Kampala, because if one city rejects your revolutionary vision, simply find another city that hasn’t experienced your particular brand of socialism yet.
“New York rejected me. Kampala will rise with me,” he proclaimed through a bullhorn duct-taped to a boda boda taxia sentence that sounds like rejected Marvel movie dialogue but is somehow actual political reality. Wearing a red beret, a borrowed trench coat, and an unsanctioned Karl Marx lapel pin, Mamdani was greeted by three street preachers, one retired librarian, and an unemployed Marxist-Leninist mime named Fred. “He’s one of us,” Fred whispered, miming an invisible sickle with the dedication of a method actor who’s taken his craft too seriously.
Once hailed as a rising star among New York’s progressive wing, Mamdani had barely celebrated his seventh year of U.S. citizenship before a patriotic coalition of Florida retirees and legal scholars from YouTube’s comments section determined he was a sleeper agent of the global proletariat. “I looked into his aura,” said Marlene Tobasco, president of the Palm Beach County Republican Mahjong League. “Pure red. Not crimson. Soviet scarlet.” The scientific rigor of aura-based deportation policy represents a bold new direction in immigration enforcement.
Within hours of an unratified congressional tweet-thread (the modern equivalent of official government communication), ICE allegedly airlifted Mamdani from JFK directly to Entebbe under an executive order printed on a napkin at Mar-a-Lago and signed in ketchup. The document’s legal standing remains questionable, but its condiment-based authentication is apparently ironclad. Ugandan customs officials initially mistook Mamdani for a returning DJ, waving him through with the phrase “Eh, Muzungu na politics”roughly translating to “Another crazy foreigner with political ambitions, what else is new?”
Within 24 hours, Kampala’s political scene electrified. Billboards reading “Comrade Zohran: Fresh Ideas, Fair Wages, Free Rolexes” popped up overnight like revolutionary mushrooms after rain. The Kampala Gossip Tribune reported sightings of Mamdani sipping tea with boda boda union bosses, organizing flash mobs at Makerere University, and posting inspirational Mao quotes in Luganda. His campaign platform includes the radical “Potholes to the People” program, which promises to turn every major crater in Kampala into community gardens, Marxist reflection pools, or free Wi-Fi zones. Under his 10-point plan, cows will receive land titles, boda bodas will be nationalized, and landlords will be required to share their homes with the proletariat every second Tuesday.
At a rally in Nakasero, Mamdani addressed a crowd of 19 underemployed university graduates and one confused Canadian tourist. “You deserve more than broken pavement and defunct ministries,” he shouted. “You deserve bicycles, beans, and a bookshelf in every hut!” A spontaneous chant erupted: “Zohran! Zohran! Make Kampala Red Again!” Several TikTokers created filter overlays of Mamdani’s face on Stalin’s body, while a Kampala-based reggaeton duo released a viral track titled “Deport Me, Daddy.” The revolution, it seems, has excellent social media engagement metrics.
Back in the States, conservative groups celebrated Mamdani’s deportation as a milestone in their long war against book-learnin’. Tucker Carlson dedicated an entire episode titled “Good Riddance, Red Rascal,” warning viewers: “It’s not just that he loved public transit. It’s that he wanted it to be free.” The horror of subsidized transportation apparently ranks somewhere between communism and fluoride in the water on Carlson’s threat assessment scale. Steve Bannon called the ousting “the most successful ideological exorcism since McCarthy slapped that one guy in 1954,” which is both historically questionable and disturbingly specific.
Mamdani’s Kampala campaign operates from a repurposed chicken coop, with staffers working off handwritten memos, banana-leaf spreadsheets, and a solar-powered fax machine recovered from a failed USAID project. The candidate travels exclusively by donkey “in solidarity with the working class and opposition to imperialist combustion.” A local journalist noted his team mailed copies of The Communist Manifesto to every household with more than one chair. Literacy rates have reportedly surged 3% in neighborhoods that received the books as firewood.
With polls showing Mamdani leading 51% to 49% against a local dentist with four wives and a law degree from Belarus, the odds are suddenly in his favor. His campaign is rumored to be negotiating with Netflix for a documentary titled “Red on Arrival: From Queens to Kampala.” As America pivots to its next outrage, Uganda is left with a real question: will the man who once promised to abolish subway fares actually manage garbage collection in a city of 1.7 million? One voter put it best: “He seems serious, but also unserious. Which makes him perfect for Kampala.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/mamdani-deported/
SOURCE: Deported Socialist Runs for Mayor in Uganda (https://bohiney.com/mamdani-deported/)
